If you and your partner have taken to sleeping in separate rooms, you are not alone.
Estimates by The Better Sleep Council suggest that one in every five couples are sleeping separately most, or all of the time.
In the past, there was a certain stigma, embarrassment and even shame about sleeping in separate beds, but these days the concept even has a name – a sleep divorce.
And far from being a rare occurrence, more and more couples are choosing solo sleeping and say it is a game-changing decision.
What is a sleep divorce?
Unlike an actual separation, a sleep divorce sees couples moving into separate bedrooms, citing factors that range from snoring to body heat, restlessness, incompatible sleep habits, varying schedules, and insomnia.
Perhaps your partner needs to get up lots in the night to go to the loo, or they need a pitch-black, silent room, while you like to fall asleep with the TV blaring and a nightlight on.
It could be that they have a health condition, which means it’s more comfortable for both of you to sleep alone. Whatever your reason, having different sleep patterns and preferences can take its toll on even the strongest relationship. The late Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip famously had separate bedrooms with interconnecting rooms.
Certainly, research shows that improving sleep quality can improve depression, anxiety, and stress, and, unsurprisingly, we’re better partners when we’re sleeping well. After all, when we’re well rested, we communicate better, interact better and have better intimacy.
Why experts recommend a sleep divorce
So what do the experts say on the topic? Can a sleep divorce ever be good for your relationship?
Couples Therapist at Relate Tamara Hoyton says, “I can see lots of benefits to it. I think these days more people are giving themselves permission to sleep separately, and it’s seen less as an indication of a disastrous relationship than it used to be. People are increasingly taking their own decisions about what is better for them and prioritising their sleep.”
How to approach a sleep divorce
If you want to suggest the idea of separate rooms to your partner, timing is everything. “It’s about choosing your moment,” Tamara says. “It’s not something to tag on to the end of an argument “…and another thing, I never want to share a bed with you.” It’s about having a grown-up conversation, thinking through what it is that you want to communicate and why. It’s also about staying curious: checking it to see how it is working for both of you.” It might be worth trialling the arrangement for a week to see how you both find it, before you start moving furniture around.
The benefits of solo sleeping
“There are some fabulous benefits,” Tamara says. “Couples therapists are generally in two camps; one camp believes that it’s good to be close, to finish each other’s sentences, to always know how each other is feeling. The other camp would say there’s too much familiarity and there’s no excitement.”
“Just because you’ve got separate bedrooms, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to cuddle or have pillow talk, but you’ve got the choice,” Tamara says. In fact, prioritising your sleep can actually improve your relationship if it gives you the ability to resolve conflicts and also prioritise ‘me time’.
Of course when our sleeping patterns become more disrupted as we get older, getting enough rest becomes even more important, particularly as it has so many benefits to both our mental and physical health. Sleep is associated with improved brain function, which can decrease the likelihood of dementia, and can improve your immune system.
Consider weekend sleep-ins together
During the week, getting a good night’s sleep is the priority for most people. However, some experts believe the weekends offer an opportunity for couples to reconnect. Tamara says: “Weekends together can serve as a mini reunion, a time to cherish the closeness and intimacy of sharing a bed. The mix of individual space on weekdays and togetherness during weekends creates a balance, ensuring both partners get their sleep and their share of intimacy.”
The potential downsides of a sleep divorce
Obviously both couples must be happy with the decision to sleep separately. If one of them is hurt by it, or sees it as a threat, it needs to be explored further, which is where couples counselling can help – and may only require one or two sessions. Tamara says, “Often people come to couples therapy because they can’t say how they feel as they’re frightened of their partner’s response. They don’t want to hurt their partner, but they do want to be heard.”
Also, of course not everyone has the luxury of a spare room. If space is an issue, consider why you want to sleep separately and see if there are any compromises to be made. Could a white-noise machine drown out snoring or separate duvets helps if you’re always cold and they’re always hot?
Admittedly, a sleep divorce won’t appeal to everyone but if you’re thinking of giving it a go, approach the conversation with an open-mind, understanding and empathy. Above all, make sure you’re communicating with your partner and making time for intimacy out of sleep hours.
Approached correctly, it could be a winning situation for all.
As Tamara says, “Time apart can really make you appreciate time together.”
For more information see relate.org.uk.
Annabelle Lee is a Lifestyle Editor at Bauer Media. She specialises in health, wellness and lifestyle celebrity content. She studied Journalism at The University of Sheffield and started her magazine career at Cosmopolitan in 2010. She has since worked across a wide range of women’s interest magazines and remains passionate about writing and long form features.