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By PatriciaI
08 July 2008 09:00
Is there a good way of dealing with a grumpy and critical husband? Mine has been like this for many years and refuses to discuss things with me or offer any explanation. He is singularly charming with everyone else save me. Only my grown-up daughters know what he is really like. I once asked his mother for help and she said it must be my fault for not handling him right. We are in our 60s now and I can't take any more rudeness and unkindness.
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How do I deal with a grumpy and critical husband?
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vivice4 says
I face a similar problem.My husband always blames me if things go wrong for him,or for our children.People say that I was (and am) a good enough mother,but he is always saying that I was "too soft" and he would have been harder on our children.(By the way,they are all children to be pleased with,law-abiding,hard-working,etc,but he wants them to be perfect too..no room for being B or C material)Though his remarks hurt me a great deal,I always stand up to him.He doesn't like it if I silently move into the spare room for a while.I do consider leaving him,but so much water has gone under the bridge after 30 years together that I am hoping that it might be a phase. In my husband's case,I feel that he is jealous of my closeness to our children.So,when he is in a calm,less nasty,mood,I try to remind him that I am grateful for what he did for the children,but I also tell him that,just as he isn't perfect,neither can they be.For example,he is untidy,but doesn't see it,yet blames our son,who has ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome,for being untidy too,though he knows that medically diagnosed conditions recognise that our son has difficulties with personal organisation,among other things.I know that I have to help our son to become more tidy,but constant carping and criticism just don't work as a way forward with a young adult. Marriage guidance could be an option,if your husband will co-operate..mine would not do so!(He knows all the answers already!His adoptive mother was so smitten with him that she gave him the idea that he is a genius!). However,if you have a family friend who could be around when your husband gets grumpy,and who could put him in his place,that might break the cycle of low level abuse.My husband will sometimes listen to other men,but would not like it if a woman intervened.I believe that is because his elderly adoptive mother brought him up to be rather sexist(and also spoilt him!).Probably such men want to continue to be spoilt..the texture of their meat must be "just right",etc,or else a rage ensues.Walk away.I used to stay and argue my point,but that made it continue.Give no reward for bad behaviour!Even a walk in the rain can be preferable to staying with a shrew-like grouch,and can mean that,on returning home,the person is ready to talk calmly,instead of rudely.If he sulks,ignore that too,but notice and praise better behaviour,without being sarcastic or patronising.
I face a similar problem.My husband always blames me if things go wrong for him,or for our children.People say that I was (and am) a good enough mother,but he is always saying that I was "too soft" and he would have been harder on our children.(By the way,they are all children to be pleased with,law-abiding,hard-working,etc,but he wants them to be perfect too..no room for being B or C material)Though his remarks hurt me a great deal,I always stand up to him.He doesn't like it if I silently move into the spare room for a while.I do consider leaving him,but so much water has gone under the bridge after 30 years together that I am hoping that it might be a phase.
In my husband's case,I feel that he is jealous of my closeness to our children.So,when he is in a calm,less nasty,mood,I try to remind him that I am grateful for what he did for the children,but I also tell him that,just as he isn't perfect,neither can they be.For example,he is untidy,but doesn't see it,yet blames our son,who has ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome,for being untidy too,though he knows that medically diagnosed conditions recognise that our son has difficulties with personal organisation,among other things.I know that I have to help our son to become more tidy,but constant carping and criticism just don't work as a way forward with a young adult.
Marriage guidance could be an option,if your husband will co-operate..mine would not do so!(He knows all the answers already!His adoptive mother was so smitten with him that she gave him the idea that he is a genius!).
However,if you have a family friend who could be around when your husband gets grumpy,and who could put him in his place,that might break the cycle of low level abuse.My husband will sometimes listen to other men,but would not like it if a woman intervened.I believe that is because his elderly adoptive mother brought him up to be rather sexist(and also spoilt him!).Probably such men want to continue to be spoilt..the texture of their meat must be "just right",etc,or else a rage ensues.Walk away.I used to stay and argue my point,but that made it continue.Give no reward for bad behaviour!Even a walk in the rain can be preferable to staying with a shrew-like grouch,and can mean that,on returning home,the person is ready to talk calmly,instead of rudely.If he sulks,ignore that too,but notice and praise better behaviour,without being sarcastic or patronising.
08 September 2010 11:32
moggie57 says
if you are content to stay with him .ok find a life that suits you and find some hobbies etc and ignore him. if you can't get a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to(just incase you have to move out) 60 is never to late to get a life of your own..ok i'm not an agony aunt ,but i would not put up with that..you deserve better. on the other hand is there something he's not telling you like a medical problem? depression could be one..i don't know.my to him answer would be if you don't like the way i do it DO IT YOURSELF and that means stop doing everything for him, washing clothes ironing ,etc even feeding him..(smile) it might give him a shock to find that you can stand up to him.. there's always divorce ,or send him back to his mummy...(if she thinks she can do better.) GO ON HOLIDAY WITHOUT HIM FIRST TO THINK THINGS OVER. i wouldn't put up with him..good luck...
05 September 2010 15:18
Judi2 says
You poor girl! I looked at your photo on your profile and you look so attractive, your husband should count his blessings rather than eyeing up bits of skirt! Sadly I think you will have to accept that is how he is now, at his age he won't change, unless he becomes ill and is dependant on you for help, then he will be looking for sympathy. Best thing you can do is to sort of divide mentally from him so he can't touch you with his behaviour, go out and make your own friends, your own life, don't let him join in. You are not alone in having a grumpy old man who upsets you, but take matters into your own hands, stop caring about what he is up to, and start making your own life and friends. Good luck Judi2 xxx
You poor girl! I looked at your photo on your profile and you look so attractive, your husband should count his blessings rather than eyeing up bits of skirt! Sadly I think you will have to accept that is how he is now, at his age he won't change, unless he becomes ill and is dependant on you for help, then he will be looking for sympathy.
Best thing you can do is to sort of divide mentally from him so he can't touch you with his behaviour, go out and make your own friends, your own life, don't let him join in. You are not alone in having a grumpy old man who upsets you, but take matters into your own hands, stop caring about what he is up to, and start making your own life and friends.
Good luck
Judi2 xxx
02 September 2010 17:50
suerrrr says
Ive got one of those, and i ignore him when he gets like that, or we would be arguing all the time, it must be an age thing...my gripe with my husband is the "girl watching" even when im there..grrrr...ive tried allsorts, threatening him, laughing at him, arguing with him, he just carries on doing it..i think its disrespectful to me especially when im there...
02 September 2010 16:47
lizzyseaside says
Get him to the doctors and ask to have his tetosterone levels checked. Low levels can make a man grumpy and also effect his labido. My guy has to have regular injections. There are also other ways to boost the levels - tablets, gels etc. Good Luck.
24 August 2010 10:09
