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By Anonymous
23 November 2007 11:55
I’m a widower in my 80s and I currently live on my own. Things are becoming a struggle and my daughter has suggested I come to live with her and the family. But I value my independence and I don’t want to become a burden to them. What should I do?
By Yours Relationship Expert
No one can make the decisions for you, but you should seriously consider both the benefits and drawbacks before doing anything The rise in so-called ‘3G’ families – three generations under one roof – is on the increase. Rising bills and care costs have resulted in more older people struggling to make ends meet, and now more than 850,000 adults aged between 35 and 64 in the UK have one or both of their parents living with them.A report by finance specialists Economic Lifestyle reveals that the failing health of many older people has contributed to the decision that they would live with their children.In addition, there were 148,000 people aged between 55 and 64 who had one or both parents living with them.Mark Neal, managing director of Economic Lifestyle, says: “Retired people struggle by on incomes of around £11,000 and many are even still paying off mortgages. One in five pensioners now lives below the poverty line. Financially, it makes sense for them to go back to live with their adult children, who may be reasonably well-off and able to help them, just as they were supported by their parents while they were growing up. However, it is the case that three generations of a family living under the same roof can lead to tensions. Many families will be happy to have their parents come to live with them but for others it is an arrangement forced on them by financial necessity.”
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Now I'm getting older, should I move in with my family?
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carolea says
the only way i can see this ever working is if you was lucky enough to have a granny annexe with a separate door to the outside world. guilt turns to resentment when family cannot do anything without considering you first. if you have your own front door, at least you maintain your independence and they theirs it is good to know you can help each other in all sorts of ways and be useful, but you have to be so careful that it does not become interfering because you are getting to involved in each others lives
the only way i can see this ever working is if you was lucky enough to have a granny annexe with a separate door to the outside world.
guilt turns to resentment when family cannot do anything without considering you first.
if you have your own front door, at least you maintain your independence and they theirs
it is good to know you can help each other in all sorts of ways and be useful, but you have to be so careful
that it does not become interfering because you are getting to involved in each others lives
03 December 2008 11:45
cobwebbe says
You need to look at all options here. It seems how you are at the moment is not an option so change is inevitable. Option 1 is moving in with the family. How do you feel about this? Do you really feel welcome? Do you think you could cope with the chatter and noise of a busy family and a certain lack of independence? You are already worried about "being a burden" I note. What about Option 2 - moving into sheltered accommodation? Is there sheltered accommodation close to your family that you could go to, where you would have your own flat or bedsit, a warden to check in on you and maybe meals on wheels delivered? This might be an idea. If it was close to your family then you could visit them and vice versa. If meals on wheels is not available, maybe someone could come in once or twice a day to prepare something for you? There would obviously be some cost implications, but you might be eligible to assistance financially via the government, eg attendence allowance, which is paid direct to you for you to make your own arrangements on who you employ to assist you. Don't rush your decision. Take your time. Once you have moved you will have plenty of time to reflect so no need to rush now. Also remember that no decision is ever set in stone, whatever you decide there is always the option of changing it at a later date if things don't go as planned. Personally I would suggest that you contact your local council and see what sheltered schemes are in your area - private, council and housing association run - and see what your options are. Maybe even visit a few schemes and talk to people about how you - and they - feel. I wish you the verybest of luck in your new home.
03 December 2008 11:03
Lydiard says
If you currently own your own home why not consider both of you selling up and buying somewhere with separate accommodation like a granny flat for you? Either that, or if it's possible, your daughter using your money to extend their house so you can live privately but at the same time close enough for any help?
16 November 2008 09:21
oldbadgers says
My father is 94 and really struggles on his own now. I feel increasingly under pressure to have him stay and help him daily in his own home. I am 61 and my husband of only 5years has had past history of looking after a very sick wife until she died... Is this fair on him? or me. I feel so drawn with my loalties, I have two brothers ( One spends most of his tme in his retirement property in Cyprus ) The other does very little. They will inherit my fathers bungalow eventually. as they have paid a small mortgage on it... I will inherit nothing... This makes me very resentful and my father or brothers are not prepared to discuss it.. Do I shut up and put up or live my own life....
My father is 94 and really struggles on his own now. I feel increasingly under pressure to have him stay and help him daily in his own home. I am 61 and my husband of only 5years has had past history of looking after a very sick wife until she died... Is this fair on him? or me.
I feel so drawn with my loalties, I have two brothers ( One spends most of his tme in his retirement property in Cyprus ) The other does very little. They will inherit my fathers bungalow eventually. as they have paid a small mortgage on it... I will inherit nothing...
This makes me very resentful and my father or brothers are not prepared to discuss it.. Do I shut up and put up or live my own life....
13 November 2008 15:06
