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23 January 2008 11:30
I care for my mother who is aged 89. I spend most of the day with her as she has become very frail recently. I'm finding it hard to do this and to find the time and energy to have a life beyond this. Is there anyone I can turn to for help?
By Yours Relationship Expert
I can suggest some options that may improve the quality of life for you and your mother. As you care for your mother for a substantial amount of time on a regular basis, you have the right to ask your local Social Services Department (England/Wales) or Social Work Department (Scotland) for a Carer's Assessment. The purpose of this assessment is to look at the help you need to enable you to carry on caring for your mother.The sort of service they may offer could range from helping your mother get up and dressed in the morning, bathing and help in getting her to bed. They may also be able to arrange transport and a place at a Day Centre a few days a week so she could have lunch and a period of time with people of her own age group. This would then give you much needed free time. They may be able to arrange respite breaks so your mother could spend a week at a care home for you to have a holiday. You could either go away for a change of scenery, or just spend the time at home knowing you don't have to think about anyone but yourself. In England, Wales & Northern Ireland these services would be provided to you and you may be charged, but each council has its own charging policy which must be 'reasonable'. If the charge made causes hardship then you can ask for it to be reviewed. In Scotland these services would be provided as part of your mother's care package. There is a national organisation called Crossroads Caring for Carers, tel: 01788 573653 (England/Wales); 0141 226 3793 (Scotland) who may be able to arrange a staff member to sit with your mother to give you a few hours' break to go and do something you enjoy.Another useful organisation is Carers UK, tel: 0808 800 7777 who would be able to discuss any difficulties you may have and put you in touch with your local group for support.
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I'm finding it hard caring for my mother - where can I go for help?
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catbreeder says
My father has a lovley social worker who arranges for him to go into a care home for a week or two at a time when I need time off. He is allowed quite a few weeks a year, maybe 6 or 8, all I know is I was quite amazed at how many. It costs him about £120 a week as the government pay the rest. It is really worth it and we save up his attendence allowance to pay for it - mind you when you take into account the fact that he is fed, heating paid for etc it brings down the actual cost in real terms. He also has a 'home help' who comes in twice and a day and helps him bath and dress etc and he goes twice a week to a day centre in a taxi, a home help comes and helps him into the taxi too. It makes such a difference to his life and mine. None of this happened until we got a social worker - a title I had previously only associated with families who have difficulties but now know it is so not the case. She has changed our life for the better.
My father has a lovley social worker who arranges for him to go into a care home for a week or two at a time when I need time off. He is allowed quite a few weeks a year, maybe 6 or 8, all I know is I was quite amazed at how many. It costs him about £120 a week as the government pay the rest. It is really worth it and we save up his attendence allowance to pay for it - mind you when you take into account the fact that he is fed, heating paid for etc it brings down the actual cost in real terms.
He also has a 'home help' who comes in twice and a day and helps him bath and dress etc and he goes twice a week to a day centre in a taxi, a home help comes and helps him into the taxi too. It makes such a difference to his life and mine. None of this happened until we got a social worker - a title I had previously only associated with families who have difficulties but now know it is so not the case. She has changed our life for the better.
25 February 2009 17:53
Tillytrotter says
My Sister and I had the same problem as you and we were both worn out. We eventually contacted our local social services who came and did an assesment on her needs. They were very helpful and they managed to get her in a day centre twice a week which she reluctantly agreed to .She loved it and it changed her life for the better. They also got us some help at home with washing,dressing ect.which gave us much more freedom to do our own chores. Do get some help or your own health will start to suffer
10 February 2009 13:47
pearlbeyondprice says
Hello Anonymous. It often seems quite daunting asking for help. The best place to start in all honesty is to contact your local health visitor (there should be one attached to your GPs surgery) as she will be best placed to help you contact the professional services necessary. She may also be able to put the request for assessment to your mother in a diplomatic fashion (depending on your relationship with your mother!) You should ask for the assessment suggested above. Once it is completed the official will let you know what help is available (And I know from my own position that just knowing that the help is available makes a difference to the way that you feel. When you don't feel trapped it is easier to be a carer!!) It is hard to strike a balance. I spent every available minute of the day looking after my Grandmother when she came out of hospital (alledgedly bed bound and incontinent) I did the day shift, my mother looked after her over night. She has improved so much that I became worried that if she was to be looked after by a so called professional, that she would not be allowed to go to the toilet (Mum and I don't use a hoist. just a wheelchair which Nan decries!!) so whilst we have an assessment which would enable us to take a break, I don't believe that it would be in my Grandmother's best interests BUT IN THE INTERESTS OF OUR SANITY mum and I do take a weekend or weeks break and cover eachother. You must find a way to take time out, Caring is an intensive labour of love but however much you love someone, sacrificing your own life in order to look after someone else, whilst admirable, will leave you bitter in the long run. Make the call. Take a short break, Ask other relatives or trusted friends if they'd be willing to pop in and check on your mother. And most of all DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT COPING/NOT COPING. Just be honest and ask for help and help will come...I'm sending you all the best wishes. You deserve it!
Hello Anonymous.
It often seems quite daunting asking for help. The best place to start in all honesty is to contact your local health visitor (there should be one attached to your GPs surgery) as she will be best placed to help you contact the professional services necessary. She may also be able to put the request for assessment to your mother in a diplomatic fashion (depending on your relationship with your mother!) You should ask for the assessment suggested above. Once it is completed the official will let you know what help is available (And I know from my own position that just knowing that the help is available makes a difference to the way that you feel. When you don't feel trapped it is easier to be a carer!!) It is hard to strike a balance. I spent every available minute of the day looking after my Grandmother when she came out of hospital (alledgedly bed bound and incontinent) I did the day shift, my mother looked after her over night. She has improved so much that I became worried that if she was to be looked after by a so called professional, that she would not be allowed to go to the toilet (Mum and I don't use a hoist. just a wheelchair which Nan decries!!) so whilst we have an assessment which would enable us to take a break, I don't believe that it would be in my Grandmother's best interests BUT IN THE INTERESTS OF OUR SANITY mum and I do take a weekend or weeks break and cover eachother. You must find a way to take time out, Caring is an intensive labour of love but however much you love someone, sacrificing your own life in order to look after someone else, whilst admirable, will leave you bitter in the long run. Make the call. Take a short break, Ask other relatives or trusted friends if they'd be willing to pop in and check on your mother. And most of all DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT COPING/NOT COPING. Just be honest and ask for help and help will come...I'm sending you all the best wishes. You deserve it!
18 November 2008 15:05
oldbadgers says
The advice you have given has been given to me sooooo many times. However the elderly donot want others helping. My father would never let anyone other than me help in his home or outside.. Therefore you donot ever have peace of mind
The advice you have given has been given to me sooooo many times.
However the elderly donot want others helping. My father would never let anyone other than me help in his home or outside..
Therefore you donot ever have peace of mind
13 November 2008 15:11
angiebabe says
The comment from BAB70 is not very helpful. I too care for my 90 year old mum. She is frail but very difficult and will not allow strangers into the house so getting help is impossible. I haven't had a proper holiday in 7 years and feel close to cracking up. My marriage is under strain too. I really feel for you,Annonymous, and hope that your mum will allow you to have help. Good luck, I know how hard it is to feel you have no life of your own.
10 August 2008 09:43
